


Ran Away

by Anastasia101



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Illustrations, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jim's mental state is all over the place, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Running Away, Sarek's A+ Parenting, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Stargazing, Tarsus IV, Trauma, Trust Issues, Winona's A+ Parenting, how does one tag?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22202263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anastasia101/pseuds/Anastasia101
Summary: Threatened with the prospect of his mother leaving and sending him somewhere again and reliving his darkest nightmares, Jim runs away. He soon finds himself on Vulcan where he begins to heal with the help of Spock.Summary may change. Both Jim and Spock are 14-15 with mostly fluff.
Relationships: Amanda Grayson & Spock, Amanda Grayson/Sarek, James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 17
Kudos: 216





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beta read by my friend because grammar sucks also I'm not a native English speaker
> 
> Trigger Warnings at the end and in the tags, if you feel at any point I should add something to the taggs pls tell me as I don't know how to tag this lol

Jim woke with a gasp, his heart racing as panic settled in the unfamiliar environment. He bolted upright, his head swimming. With the echoes of their faces, he glanced around quieting his breaths, he was sitting on a bed in his room. He was okay, he was safe.  
_“I’m safe. I’m home, no hunger no death. They can’t hurt me anymore.”_ Focusing on his thoughts eventually calmed him, though he could still feel the sweat rolling down his back and the now intimate feel of the gnawing hunger at the pit of his stomach. Falling back onto his soft pillow with a muted flop, Jim sighed. His hand behind his head, he stared up at the bland ceiling, noticing mould in the corner, a few patches of moisture from the recent heavy storms, in the dark.

With sleep washed away from him by the nightmare, Jim got up, mindful and loathing of the bones that stuck out from under his shirt, and made his way towards his desk next to the window. Glancing outside, the whole window was filled with the healthy corn, and a gentle sunrise painting the sky in beautiful hues of reds and yellows. But in his mind’s eye it was replaced with decaying, infested crops, the sunrise instead looked like a fire ready to consume him and then the overwhelming stench of death assaulted his nose, urging him to throw up. Jumping out of his chair as it loudly rattled behind him, Jim dashed to the bathroom emptying his already hollow guts.

As he clutched the toilet for dear life he heard the unmistakable sound of footsteps approaching. Quickly he wiped the vomit from his mouth with the sleeve of his PJ and unsteadily lifted himself, his hand gripping the sink so hard that it had turned white. His mother stood in the door, a look of something close to pity her face and he hated it. She strode across the small bathroom with two quick steps and enveloped him in a tight hug. He didn’t lift his arms. He just stood as straight as a plank.  
_“Why?”_ Refusing to let his emotions consume him. Winona just squished harder almost crushing his fragile frame.  
_“Why!?”_ He wanted nothing more than to shove her away and shout at her to leave him alone.  
_“Why are you doing this?” _The quickly surging anger was immediately smouldered out by the quiet hiccup of his mother and the sudden dampness on his shoulder.  
_“Is she crying?”_ Shocked with disbelief he carefully lifted Winona off of his shoulder, the tears were now clearly visible on her cheeks even in the dark lighting of the bathroom. Her blue eyes stood out from the red puffiness around it. He smiled, what he hoped was reassuring, as he spoke.  
“I’m fine, don’t worry” His voice was quiet and slightly croaky from disuse and he hated it. Her eyes widened for a second before a sad sob escaped her, those blue eyes carrying melancholy. He hated seeing her like that. He got up (When had he sat down?) and moved past her back towards his room. __

Dim light flooded his room casting ominous shadows everywhere making it easier to see, casting a glance at the chronometer it read 7:07. With a slow exhale, he undressed and pulled a shirt and pants over himself, not even glimpsing his thin body. Jim snatched his weathered bag, his old headphones and music player, and hastily descended the stairs and out of the ancient house.

School was 3 miles away from their little farmhouse. Not many people lived this far from a city in this day and age, and he often felt like an outsider intruding on their lives. Jim gently placed his headphones on his head and started blasting his favourite band “Beastie Boys”. Loud and calming music immediately blasted into his ears and he felt the anxiety leaving him in waves, putting an unusual bounce in his step. The corn was almost as high as him, as it swayed gently with a quiet rustle. The sky was a clear blue. Not a single cloud broke the sea of blue as the sun climbed higher. Just in sight above the corn stood the shipyard, where the newest Federation vessels built. It always filled Jim with excitement and hope whenever he looked at it. The shipyard wasn’t a thing of beauty, with high steel towers and cranes almost blending into the sky, the shell of new ships scattered about with open insides. With the bright light on consistently, the whole shipyard was bathed in fluorescent white, giving it a glow that could be seen from miles away even during the day. It was always loud around there no matter the time of day, with the sounds of shouts, machinery and landing or leaving shuttles permeating the air.

After relistening the same song five times and a few more of his other songs, he finally arrived in Riverside, a shithole of a town he had the fortune to go every day. The town was almost was a city with over 8000 people living there but none of them friendly to outsiders. The constant roar of cars and the constant chatter of people indistinguishable from each other saturated everything around him. It was never this loud in the colony and it still took him some time to get used to. Keeping his head low, Jim hurried to school where the volume of chatter increased substantially as the excited kids hurried inside. Jim just made it to his first-class when the last bell rang, sighing with relief he sat down at the back of the classroom near the window.

His classes were just as boring as any other. He spent most of his time gazing out the window categorising everyone that walked past. By the time lunch rolled around, the period of the day Jim hated and dreaded the most, it had come quicker than usual. Knowing he had to at least try, just for today Jim lazily shuffled closer to the cafeteria, the usual anxiety taking root in his stomach. The overwhelming sounds assaulted his ears and it took all that he had not to turn around right then and there. He slowly walked to the end of the queue making sure to keep his head down. The food looked like any other low-grade cafeteria food, but he piled some onto his tray anyway not wanting to keep the queue up. Turning around Jim was greeted with a cafeteria full of children happily chatting to each other in groups around the tables, not a single table was left empty as everyone pressed together trying to fit on the benches. He sighed, glancing at the clock at the far end of the room.  
_“Only 30 minutes left.”_ and began to make his way towards one of the emptier corners, trying to hide the shaking of his hands. After searching for a seat for five minutes he finally found a relatively empty table and plopped down his tray with a loud clatter startling the kid across. He glanced up and glared at Jim as he mouthed “Sorry” the boy got back to chatting with the girl next to him. As Jim sat down he tried to will away the unease that gnawed at his stomach. Putting his music on, he got lost in the moment as he wolfed down the first few bites of food on his plate, then without warning his throat closed up and the texture morphed into something like sandpaper, losing its taste completely. Forcing down that bite with a loud and uncomfortable gulp. Jim shot up, suddenly feeling nauseous.  
_“What am I doing? The food is not for me. It's for the kids.”_ with a last glance at the half-eaten food and the shocked face of the boy across, he hastily sprinted down the rows of tables and the kids who were staring at him, in a sudden quiet, and out of the cafeteria towards the toilets.

Throughout the rest of his classes, Jim spent his time ignoring any of the awkward stares he got, and for once focusing on the work as it was a great distraction from everything. When the last bell rang, signalling the end of the day all the kids left with excitement in their voices and their steps. He descended the front steps with apprehension hanging over him. Every step he took felt heavier and heavier but it still carried him through the winding streets of Riverside as his mind wandered. Soon enough he found himself in front of a cosy little house, it was old but well kept, clearly loved by the people who lived here. The front garden was full of colourful flowers that were just beginning to bloom, making the whole thing somehow just brighter. He walked up to the white door and gently knocked, rocking on the balls of his feet while he waited.

As soon as the door opened with great flourish, Jim was greeted with a bright smile  
"Jim!" The man exclaimed  
The person whom that smile belonged was a middle-aged man with a kind and round features, with greying blond hair and a small beard. His friendly brown eyes shone brightly as he looked him over, Jim couldn't help but shift on his feet in nervousness feeling like he disappointed him somehow. The man placed a hand on Jim’s bony shoulder.  
"Well don't just stand there come in!" His voice was also soothing and gentle, immediately putting Jim at ease. He followed him inside, it was just as cosy and familial as the outside. They made it into a small room with a coffee table and two armchairs along with a few bookshelves. The lighting was warm nothing like the harsh lights in school or on the streets. It reminded Jim of the good times at the colony.  
"Would you like some tea?" Finally finding his voice Jim mumbled as he sat down on one of the soft armchairs  
"No thank you, Dr Lynch."  
"What have I told you about calling me, Tom?" Dr Lynch sighed  
"You're my therapist, Doctor." Jim couldn't help but hide the smirk as mild irritation crossed his face and murmured something unintelligible, as he sat down with a cup of warm tea in his hands.  
"Well, how are you?" He asked gently. Jim shrugged, not knowing how to answer the simple question.  
"Fine?..."  
Dr Lynch gave a small smile in encouragement but when he saw he won't be getting anymore he enquired,  
"Did you try to work on the plan we talked about last time?"  
Jim guilty glanced down to his lap, wishing he had taken the offer of tea.he hadn’t eaten regularly enough.  
"No." shame flooded him but he squashed it away.  
"It's okay Jimmy." his voice was compassionate, with an encouraging smile on his face. Jim hated it.  
"Have you at least eaten today?"  
Jim glanced at the Doctor but seeing the honest affection there he quickly averted his eyes.  
"Yes," he lied. Doctor Lynch patiently looked at him, immediately seeing through the facade. The intense stare got Jim squirming.  
"Not really" he admitted with a sigh.  
"Why not?" Irritation flared in Jim at the gentle tone of the question. At his silence, the Doctor tried again.  
"You know you don't have to tell me, but if you want to, I'll listen."  
"Because I couldn't keep it down!" He exclaimed as the irritation turned inwards, starting a vicious cycle he was already familiar with. The doctor's gaze had turned concerned.  
"And why was that?" Jim kept glaring at his lap not answering the question. Doctor Lynch sighed after a minute or two of patiently waiting.  
"You know there is plenty of food here in Riverside"  
"Don't you think I already know that?" The anger returned, but he didn't look in the eye of the doctor  
"There won't be any food shortages here Jimmy, you don't have to worry." The gentle reassuring voice of Dr Lynch rose something akin to anger in Jim  
_"You're so sure of that"_ but he never said that instead, he chuckled  
"Really? Because the people there thought as well." Disbelief coloured his voice as he slowly swallowed the bile that rose in his throat, the doctor exhaled  
"Why don't we change the subject! Did you learn anything today?"  
"No" Jim gritted out  
"Why not?"  
"I wasn't paying attention." This time it was a mumble. The therapist raised an eyebrow as Jim glared holes into one of his certificates just off the side  
"Why did you?"  
"It's boring."  
"Is it? I enjoyed school when I was younger."  
"Yeah, because I know it already." his voice rose then quieted down close to sarcasm. Doctor Lynch observed him with steady eyes as a lull settled over them.  
"How are things at home?" The sudden topic change caught Jim off guard so he lashed out.  
"Why do you care?" His voice took on a sharp edge, as the therapist's eyes widened a fraction before composing himself.  
"Because I want you to be happy." Honest was the only way Jim could describe the look he was giving him, and he couldn't handle the raw emotion that swirled inside him.  
“Really? Because you know as well as me that I don’t deserve that.” The harshness of the words was directed more at himself than the Doctor.  
“You’re the one that deserves it the most” The anger that was building up inside Jim for the past hour finally exploded.  
“Bullshit! You’re just saying that to… to get me to trust you. Well, tough luck it's not going to work.” he surged up from his seat and began to pace agitatedly.  
“Why are you always so angry Jim?” His calm and gentle voice further angered Jim and he suddenly turned around and fixed his heated glare at the doctor  
“Fuck you!” He stormed out of the door, not even checking the expression that sat on the surprised Doctor’s face.

It was after dusk when Jim returned home. The lights were on, illuminating the house even from a distance, making it the only thing Jim could see in the dark. When he knocked on the door it almost immediately opened and his mother engulfed him in a hug.  
“Jim! Where were you? I was about to call the cops!” The worried edge in her hushed voice twisted the knife of guilt in his stomach.  
“I just needed some time to calm down.” He pushed off his mother and walked into the house plopping down on the squeaky couch. Winona stood in the doorway watching him with sad eyes, he lifted his head and mildly glared at her  
“What?” She slowly sat down next to him, placing her hand on his knee. Jim looked at her with a questioning gaze trying to figure out what she wanted.  
“I’m sorry Jim.” She mumbled silently. The curiosity quickly morphed into dread that immediately dropped in his belly like a stone.  
“What do you mean?” The sudden hiccup solidified his suspicions.  
“Will you listen to everything I say?” suddenly she looked serious, all commander-like, suppressing her sadness with the hard set of her blue eyes, and Jim could only nod in response.  
“I’ll be leaving soon.” She began and that had riled Jim up who had inhaled to protest but his mother put up a hand silencing his protests  
“I was assigned as Commander aboard the starship USS Atlas for a 2-year mission.”  
“2 years” Jim murmured out, disbelief clouding his mind.  
“I tried everything I could but a Command is Command. I'm sorry.”  
“When?” He was on autopilot trying to process the emotions clouding everything.  
“In two days.” Her voice quieted down “You’ll be staying with your Great Aunt in the UK.” it had a finality to it like it had been decided without Jim, as always. It was like his worst nightmare has become a reality.  
“You can’t do that!” Jim finally found his voice as it exploded in loud and desperate shouts mixed sobs.  
“I’m sorry, the Admirals were very adamant about this.”  
“You can’t …. can’t send me away again! Please…” tears started spilling out as his voice cracked. She suddenly embraced him.  
“I’m so sorry” she sobbed as he struggled against her.  
“Leave me alone!” Jim shouted. She finally relented, her tear-stained cheeks and red eyes looked at him mournfully as he shot up from his seat and sprinted up the stairs.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit shorter than the last one. I hope you'll enjoy it! Thank you for everyone who bookmarked, subscribed or gave kudos, I honestly wasn't expecting this much, so thank you again.
> 
> I plan to update this once or twice a month depending on my time.

Winona was out of the house all night after Jim quietened down. She checked on him carefully, he was sleeping, more peaceful and relaxed than in the past few months. She smiled to herself, glad that he could find some semblance of calm. She spent her night arguing with the Admirals for another week with Jim, and she couldn’t leave him especially since the outburst earlier. It was a hard-fought battle and she almost got court marshalled but a certain friend, who understood the struggle she was facing, spoke in her favour, and the Board of Admirals relented and gave her the time. She was still angry with them and herself for leaving Jim alone at a time he needs her the most. She even thought about leaving Starfleet, but then she wouldn’t be able to put food on the table and that would be even worse. Besides they would find her if they would ever let her go, that her work and the knowledge she possessed was too valuable to them.

With a sigh, she opened the front door of the silent and dark house, glad to be back with Jim. It was unusually cold sending a shiver down her spine but she thought nothing of it. Probably a window left open. She wanted nothing more than to crash in her bed and finally rest. She opened the fridge, took out the milk and poured herself some cereal. Once she sat down by the dining table and began to eat, she noticed something odd: the back door was slightly ajar and gently swaying in the soft breeze. She placed the spoon down, alarm bells going off in her mind as she checked outside for anyone and closed the door shut. She examined the living room for any sign of something out of the ordinary but found nothing; nothing stolen, nothing broken, no sign of a struggle. She cautiously walked up the stairs and towards Jim’s room. It was dark and silent, except for the alarms of the Red Alert that echoed in her mind painting the corridor in a slight ominous crimson.  
“Jim?” She softly called out when she neared his door. No answer came. The harsh sounds of the bells increased in intensity as soft dread settled in her stomach. _“He should’ve answered, he sleeps lightly. Why didn’t he answer?”_ She pushed the door open withholding her breath. What she found instantly froze her heart in panic.

His bed was empty, clothes were thrown about as if a hurricane had been in the room. His backpack was missing along with the ancient headphones she’d bought 5 years ago as an apology gift. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest, not knowing what to do. After a minute or two, the shock had left her system and she was able to analyse the scene in front of her, though she already knew what happened. She just wanted it to be something else, but however she looked at the room, it was clear: Jim ran away.

Getting onto the cargo ship unnoticed was the hardest part of this entire plan he made up in 5 minutes. Jim quietly snuck behind the large cargo boxes, holding his breath the entire time. Due to his small frame and the bad lighting, he managed to evade the guards patrolling the area, using the shadows as a veil. It took about 20 minutes for him to finally reach the cargo ship. It wasn’t a Starfleet vessel - it had an odd shape, its colour close to bronze or brown. It looked old and worn with overuse. Any ship that took him far enough was good to him. Jim waited from behind a crate listening for anyone. Just as he was about to sprint inside, he heard the faint noises of arguing from within the ship. He tried to calm his wildly beating heart as he jumped back into the darkness. The voices became louder, closer and angrier as he waited. They were talking in a language he didn’t understand. It sounded nothing like Standard - the harsh sounds confused him as he tried to catch anything useful. As soon as the voices faded Jim peeked out and readied himself to sprint over to the ramp. He dashed out of his cover and made it less than 30 seconds. He glanced around inside looking for a place to hide. The inside of this ship was a maze of corridors and doors. It took him a bit of sneaking around and opening random doors until he found the secondary cargo bay. Exhaustion caught up with him as the adrenaline left his body, his legs began to shake as he focused on finding a place to hide. Jim spotted a place where the boxes left enough of a gap for him to fit in there, crawled inside and crashed on the hard floor almost immediately falling asleep  
Jim was harshly woken by the alien voices talking, tough in a much calmer manner. His breath hitched as the voices neared him. He didn’t dare to move a muscle, hiding in the shadows of the boxes. Willing his breathing to quiet he tried to listen to the heavy footsteps of the aliens. They suddenly stopped nearby and Jim’s heart almost leapt out of his throat when a loud metallic clunk echoed through the cargo bay, then a few more thuds as the probably moved the crates around. Fear coursed through his veins as the sounds of talking and thuds neared his hiding place. He wanted to bolt out and run for it, but he knew that would be a bad idea. His heart felt like it wanted to rip through his chest, the beating of it echoing in his ears. He didn’t know if his rapid breathing was audible to the aliens.

Suddenly the box above him was moved, flooding his hiding place with harsh light, and Jim’s heart froze in its rapid beating as he realised in terror that he was found. One of the aliens saw him, let out an ear-piercing shriek in surprise. Jim replied with a cry of his own as instinct took over. He bolted out of his hiding place pushing over one of the aliens and sprinted towards the door, panic clouding his mind as he raced through the winding corridors.

All of a sudden the distinct hiss of phaser fire grazed his ears, the light blinding him for a second. He swerved to the right down another long corridor. The phasers barely missed him as he dodged behind covers and corridors, not stopping for a second. He heard the high pitched shouts of his alien pursuers getting angrier and angrier. He found a room which had the escape pods in it, and quickly climbed into one, just in time for the aliens to catch up. He released the pod and it lurched as it moved away from the ship.

He didn’t know where he was, and the panic from earlier rose for a second at the thought of being list in vast and empty space. He focused on levelling his breathing and heart rate as the adrenaline faded out of his system, and glanced out of one of the small windows of the escape pod. He immediately noticed a planet that looked habitable enough so he programmed into the computer and began to make his way towards it.

Spock shivered at the quickly cooling temperatures of the red desert around him. The setting sun cast the whole sky in a beautiful red and yellow glow that reflected the colour of the sand dunes around him. He trekked through the soft sand as quickly as possible to his shelter for the past few days of this "exercise" - more of a punishment really-for his emotional outburst earlier this week, the third in a month. Shame filled him as he thought back to that moment, then his emotions morphed into anger as his classmates insulted his mother again. He took in a deep breath calming his heart began to beat wildly in his abdomen. He finally arrived at his shelter, a rock formation that had an overhang, shielding him from the worst of the desert. He placed his bag down on a nearby red rock and began to light a fire. When the fire finally caught on (he really needed to find a new piece of flint), a sudden bright light from above filled the sky. Glancing up Spock noticed a small craft barreling towards the ground at dangerous speeds and at a weird angle as if the pilot didn't know how to land it. The craft soon landed with a loud bang not far from his shelter. Spock moved inside and grabbed his knife, he glanced outside ready to defend himself if need be, but that didn't come. He grabbed his bag, digging through today's findings for something edible. He dug out some plant leaves that he found earlier, from the bottom of the bag. While he was munching on it a sudden roar echoed through the air.

Spock grabbed his knife and almost ran outside to check what that was about. A giant reptilian beast was chasing a young boy through the desert. The boy began to run towards Spock and the beast followed, launching red sand in the air behind it. He ran back inside and dug through his supplies for the small phaser his father had given him for emergencies. It took him way too long to find it and his heart was beating erratically now, as the beast's trampling became louder. Sprinting back outside Spock fired the phaser in the general direction of the beast, the beam of orange light missed by a longshot but it still got scared and slowed it pursue a bit. So Spock fired again a bit closer this time and it backed off.

The young boy, free of his chaser, collapsed in the sand with a thud, probably from exhaustion, not far from his camp. Spock placed the phaser back into his bag and ran outside to help the boy. When he arrived by the unconscious boy he noticed something strange: his hair was long and dirty blond, nothing like other Vulcan children, covering his ears. His face was in the sand so Spock quickly turned the boy around and paused. His face was thin and tired, black circles under his closed eyes and his lips were chapped. Spock leaned in closer to check that he was breathing. Luckily he was. He lifted the boy, who was lighter than expected, bought him to the shelter and gently set him down by the fire. He sat across from him and watched him sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This a long one so buckle up!
> 
> Added some art that my friend inspired me to make.

Jim stirred awake. His mind clearing from its haze. The rough ground underneath him felt oddly familiar and yet comforting. He suddenly shot up in a panic. With wild eyes he glanced around, the red jagged rocks and the too-bright light seeping through the entrance of the cave were all off. Anxiety clenched at his stomach as he slowly slid down from the rock formation he slept on. There was a campfire, that went out not too long ago as the burnt sticks were still glowing, along with 2 bags of unfamiliar design. Jim staggered towards them searching through both bags for anything useful, but it was just a bunch of PADDs, leaves and some sanitary products _“Seriously who brings this kind of stuff to a place like this?”_ Something wasn’t right. He tried to recall how he got here but his mind was still foggy. He was on autopilot going through the well-learned motions. He glanced outside and paled. This wasn’t right the planet. It's supposed to be a lush jungle not an arid desert. Even the colour of the sand was wrong it's supposed to be yellow not bright red. He began to panic as a thousand thoughts entered and left his mind, in the seconds it took him to collapse onto his bony ass and clench his knees.

After some breathing exercises that were taught to him by his therapist, Jim managed to glance up from his knees and he almost went into another attack just by the sight of the boy in front of him. With his still shaking body Jim scrambled to his feet, wildly looking around for an escape route, but finding none he retreated towards the back of the cave and clumsily picked up a sharp rock. The boy gently advanced towards the skittish Jim, while whispering in a language Jim didn’t understand as if placating a scared animal. When the boy got too close for comfort, Jim held out the rock in a threatening manner warning him to stay away. The boy understood and sat down at a safe distance, trying to look as non-threatening as possible. Somehow some of the tightly coiled anxiety unwinded and left Jim at that moment.

The boy was weird looking, his robes were long and impractical in an environment like this, pointy ears poked out from his straight black hair that was cut neatly into a bowl cut. His eyebrows were slanted and just a tiny bit off from what he was used to. His face set in a hard expressionless facade that was only broken by his chocolate brown eyes emitting something like reassurance as if he won’t hurt Jim.  
“Who the hell are you?” Jim finally found his voice after a minute or two of just staring at the guy, his voice was croaky and high pitched from disuse. The boy’s expression changed as soon as Jim spoke, lighting up with an understanding of sorts and it confused Jim even more as he raised an eyebrow at the boy. Then the boy cleared his throat and spoke  
“I am S’chn T’gai Spock. You?” his voice was heavily accented and slightly on the deeper end. Jim looked at him, confused for a second that Spock could understand him. Then Spock’s expression of eager anticipation changed to disappointment all without moving a muscle, Jim was taking too long to answer, when he realised this he quickly pointed to himself with rapid hand movements  
“James Tiberius Kirk” he glanced around the cavern “Where am I?”  
“Vulcan.” Jim eyed Spock for any sign of a joke. Either his straight expression was an amazing poker face or he wasn’t lying. Jim decided on the latter. He swallowed a big breath and tried not to break down in front of him again.  
“Why are you here?” The confused yet serious tone of Spock’s voice surprised him and he almost answered with the truth, instead he chuckled  
“I could ask you the same thing. What are you doing in the middle of the desert alone?” he deflected. Spock took some time to answer Jim, debating how much to tell him.  
“My father sent me here”, he sighed. Jim wanted to pry to ask why but he knew that would be a bad idea from his past experiences.  
“That sucks man” he sighed and tried to inject as much sympathy into his voice as he could. He casually leaned back against the wall of the cave, relaxing his posture in the process. Spock still sat across from him, his legs crossed neatly and his back straight.  
“It was my fault. I acted irrationally. It was logical to send me away to learn from my mistakes.” Spock’s eyes looked detached as he spoke and Jim’s heart clenched.  
“I ran away,” he admitted to Spock’s earlier question with slight hesitation. It was strange, it usually took tooth and nails for Jim to admit to anything, and certainly nothing this big would’ve left his mouth in a million years. Spock looked puzzled for a moment as if not understanding Jim  
“Why?” Apparently, he was curious and Jim didn’t fault him on that, but the question still caused him to be defensive.  
“I didn’t want to be there anymore.” It was a half-lie as he wanted to be with his mum, but she clearly didn’t want that, so he left instead. Jim drew up his knees to his chest as he watched Spock.

His stomach rumbled loudly and Jim jumped in surprise as he didn’t feel hungry. He slowly got up glancing around the cave, Spock followed suit and raised his eyebrow in question. He began to make his way towards the exit of the cave. When Spock didn’t follow Jim turned around.  
“Where are you going?” Spock asked his eyebrow still raised, Jim stared at him for a moment.  
“To get food.” he gestured outside with a hand, and the confusion left Spock’s face as he quickly walked up to the bags and pulled out some leaves and roots from it.  
“Oh.” Jim grabbed some of the leaves - they looked like cabbage leaves - and sat down by the fire. Spock sat next to him with the bag of food between them. The leaf was crunchy and had an interesting taste nothing like the food he was used to. And for once in almost 6 months he didn’t feel the urge to throw it back up. His eyes widened in surprise as he stared at the 3rd leaf in his hand.  
“Huh.” he softly mumbled to himself as munched on the 4th leaf. He didn’t even notice Spock staring at him strangely the entire time he ate.

After the 6th or 7th leaf, he couldn’t eat anymore. He glanced at Spock who was eyeing him bizarrely.  
“What?” Jim shrugged and returned his gaze to the softly crackling campfire stretching his legs a little.  
“Those plants fill the stomach up really fast. Generally, people can’t eat more than 2 or 3 without feeling full. But you ate 7.5.” Jim sharply turned to Spock and tried to hide the expression on his own face, rather unsuccessfully, with a casual shrug and a small smile.  
“I guess I was hungry.” The strange look didn’t quite let up but it bothered Jim less.

Looking around the cave he noticed that his stuff was missing and the anxiety returned with full force, knotting up his stuffed stomach. He elbowed Spock who stared at intently into the fire. Startled, Spock shifted his gaze onto Jim, darting between his face and the arm he touched him with.  
“Oh sorry,” Jim apologised and continued without waiting for Spock’s reaction. “Anyway where’s my stuff?” The oddly startled expression shifted to confusion by a simple eyebrow raise.  
“Your stuff?” Jim paled and shot up from his casual pose in a hurry, Spock did as well though in a much more graceful manner  
“What’s wrong?” Spock asked. Jim turned to Spock, his heart hammering in his chest.  
“My stuff…” he brushed his hand through his dirty blond hair ruffling it all up. “My bag and headphones are out there.” He gestured to the blood-red desert that encompassed the entrance of the cave. His voice cracked as panic seeped into his bones. Spock looked him over and confidently strode towards the exit and Jim numbly followed suit.

The heat was unbearable, it was like being slowly cooked in an oven. Large drops of sweat already rolled down his forehead and his back, stinging his eyes and soaking his shirt in mere seconds. His breathing was heavy, the air felt thinner as if he was on a mountain. The sun shone relentlessly onto them, not a single patch of shade to hide them from it, and Jim felt like he might faint just from that. The red sand was soft under his feet and for a second it looked like a sea of blood surrounding them. Jim got scared, momentarily thinking it was real, but he shook his head and the sand was back - the sun was getting to him. The desert was a barren wasteland of crimson dunes and rocks, not a single plant could be seen for miles ahead and Jim wondered where the leaves came from that they ate earlier. Jim wanted to collapse from exhaustion and thirst but seeing Spock marching on confidently and completely not bothered by the blistering heat encouraged Jim to continue.

It took them a mere half-hour to find his crashed pod, though to Jim it felt like half a day. The pod was half-buried in the crimson sand, the soft curves of it standing out distinctly from the jagged rocks surrounding them. The smooth metal reflected the light just enough to blind them slightly just by looking at it. There was still a soft grey smoke coming from the engines, probably from the crash. Spock quickly descended from the dune they were standing on towards the pod, and Jim followed. When he got near enough he touched the panel that would’ve opened the pod but the scorching metal burned his hand and he let go with a silent and painful hiss. Spock glanced at him in alarm but he waved that he was okay and Spock moved back to inspecting the crashed pod. His right hand was throbbing with the dull pain but he managed to ignore it long enough to pull the bottom of his shirt up and quickly push the panel. The pod opened with a soft hiss, spitting some sand into the air.

He climbed inside after Spock and the immediate cooler temperature made him sigh with relief. They dug through the ship and after a few minutes, they finally found his duffel bag and his headphones and the anxious energy left him at the sight of the familiar item. Jim moved to grab them with his right hand, immediately regretting that decision as the dull pain had intensified at the sudden pressure and he instantly dropped his stuff and cried out in pain. Spock turned around sharply from the panel he was investigating and quickly strode towards Jim, who clenched his hand as he sat down on one of the benches. Spock was above him in mere seconds, gently grabbing his hand and turning it around to inspect the damage. As soon as Spock touched him Jim felt somehow soothed and he found that weird. Spock grabbed the medkit he found earlier and carefully bandaged his hand and applied a cool cream, which relieved the throbbing pain. During all of this Spock didn’t even glance at him for a second. Once he was done, Spock grabbed the medkit and some thermal blankets and Jim looked at him curiously.  
“You gonna carry all of that?”  
“Yes” Jim sighed in exasperation and they left the safe haven of the pod, the sudden change-making Jim stagger for a second. They arrived at their shelter by sunset. Jim dropped his duffel bag, put the headphones on his head and blasted the music into his ears as he sat down. Spock stared at him for a minute or two as he slowly relaxed from the comforting tune. The combination of the warm campfire softly crackling and the music made him nod off by the edge of the cave in no time.

_The blaze surrounded Jim from every angle, all of the buildings were on fire burning in a bright flash of oranges, red and yellows. The soot-black smoke that rose in the sky blinded him and he didn’t know which way was out of the hell he suddenly found himself in. He could still clearly hear the terrified screams of the masses as they realised that their last hour had struck. Heavily coughing, he slowly made his way around the ruined colony that had been bustling with life earlier this morning, clutching the small baby to his chest with all his might making sure to shield her from the worst of the smoke and heat with his body  
“Jim!” Someone called out to him in the haze of confusion and Jim didn’t know if they were a friend or foe so he picked up his pace to a jog and the baby began to cry loudly into his shoulder. He finally escaped the hellfire that was the colony and he hid in the forest. _

_The scene faded and morphed into another. They were in a dimly lit cave, it was lightly raining outside producing a soft patter on the roof but it was still warm like a sauna. The forest outside was quiet, withholding its breath with the anticipation of something of great magnitude. His and the few of the kids’ stomachs rumbled almost in unison for the 6th time today. The hunger didn’t bother him anymore but Jim knew it was deadly to the smaller ones. So he staggered to his feet leaning on the wall of the cave until the spinning stopped, and with wobbly steps, he walked outside. Kevin followed behind him in a confident manner. A sense of dread engulfed his body as they picked some berries they knew the little ones could stomach. A loud roar shook the very core of the forest around them and a conspiracy of ravens flew overhead in a panic with deafening croaks. The dread in his stomach solidified as a giant horned beast trampled through the forest floor like a bulldozer. Jim froze at the sight of it, paralysis rooting him on the spot. Suddenly he has pushed away from the path of the beast and he stumbled to the hard forest floor._

Jim woke with a gasp and his eyes flew open, zeroing in on the boy whose face was close, his hands by his temple. He screamed and scrambled away from him his heart beating loudly in his ear. The boy jumped from the sudden noise and an expression of concern crossed his face. Jim’s breathing was still heavy from the dream and now the unknown boy caused it to accelerate even more. In the back of his hazy mind, he recognised the boy with his pointy ears, goofy bowl cut and long robes. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to hurt him or not, and his eyes rapidly searched his environment. The boy relaxed his posture and spoke softly while keeping a safe distance.  
“James? I am not going to hurt you.” Through the haze of confusion, the familiarity of that sentence seeped through. _”James?”_ No one called him that for almost 10 years and it felt strange. His breathing slowly evened out as the adrenaline left him.  
“How the hell do you know my name?” He asked with a raspy voice but it still came out as sharp and threatening. The boy’s eyes rose in confusion but otherwise, his face remained straight and emotionless.  
“You told me approximately 4.56 hours ago.” the fog quickly cleared from his mind as memories of the past 5 hours started flooding back and he instantly recognised the Vulcan boy in front of him as Spock  
“Hi Spock” he smiled gently and waved. Spock’s eyebrows rose further going above his fringe, his brown eyes searching Jim’s.  
“Are you unwell?” Jim glanced at himself unsure what Spock meant, he was fine.  
“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?” Spock stared at him with a strange mix of curiosity and concern trying to figure Jim out.  
“You were showing signs of distress in your sleep. I wanted to calm you down but you suddenly woke up and started screaming, showing signs of temporary amnesia,” Spock explained.  
“Oh, don’t worry about that. It was just a bad dream. But what do you mean ‘calm me down?’” Jim deflected once again with a topic change and Spock’s mouth twitched into a frown of disbelief.  
“Vulcans are touch telepaths, and can offer temporary respite in times of distress and pain, though it is not commonly practised outside of families.”  
Jim’s head perked up at the telepathy part in alarm and a knot formed in his stomach at the thought of anyone doing anything they wanted with his mind. He took in a shaky sigh.  
“Ok let me get this clear. Never use that telepathy of yours on me, no matter how distressed, confused or destructive I am. Ok?” He was surprised how serious he managed to make his voice and expression to be. Spock’s face fell suddenly, then just quickly as it turned into a stone-cold emotionless facade, his brown eyes lost a bit of shine to them as he slowly nodded  
“Understood.”

The cool night breeze seeped through the entrance of the cave offering some much needed calm to his racing thoughts. He grabbed his headphones and headed towards the exit.  
“I’m gonna go outside for a bit.” Spock’s head perked up slightly surprised at the sudden statement and a brief flash of worry crossed his face before he could school his expression back into its stoicism. Jim smiled.  
“Don’t worry I won’t go far,” he said before turning and heading out of the cave. The desert was wildly different at night. The red sand had turned almost black from the lack of light, though it still reflected some of the light of the moon. The temperature was almost chilly but still nicer than the scorching heat they trekked through. The quiet wasteland had transformed into a vibrant yet silent cacophony of sounds just barely noticeable from the soft breeze rustling and moving the sand, to the movement of small animals he didn’t even notice lived here. It was calming. He sat down in the sand not far from their base and just listened, letting his thoughts wander for the 1st time in 2 days. He sighed and plopped his headphones onto the sand and then fell back with a thud, so he was staring up at the sky. The constellations were different than at Riverside or the colony, but it was brighter due to the lack of light pollution. A strip of glowing magenta and purple nebula covered a good portion of the sky, casting the rest of the stars in a faint glimmer of beautiful colour. He could pick out some familiar stars that stood out from the rest and he tried to memorise some of the constellations of the Vulcan night sky.

The sudden noise and movement startled Jim and broke the calm spell that stargazing had placed him under. Spock sat down next to him. Though he didn’t lie down, he still stared at the night sky with him. They sat in silence for a while, peacefully watching the sky move by. Only their breathing was audible at that moment. Tranquillity washed over both.  
“I’ve never realised how pleasing stars are,” Spock spoke quietly after a while into the space between them. Jim hummed in response and glanced at him from the corner of his eye as he softly sighed.  
“Back at Riverside, I used to go the cornfields and just lie between the giant crops staring up at the stars whenever I felt overwhelmed. I always felt a longing to explore every system I could see.” Spock shifted in the sand and watched Jim lazily lying on his back, an arm behind his head, and his face painted in soft silver giving it a tender glow. A shiver ran through Jim as the breeze slightly picked up in speed, and he sat up with a flourish and glanced at Spock who had returned his gaze to the stars. He stood up and placed a hand on Spock’s shoulder.  
“Well let’s get back before I freeze to death!” his tone was light and jovial despite the heavy mood that had settled over them in the past hour. Spock turned to look at him, casting a quick glance at Jim’s hand which was still holding onto his shoulder.  
“Indeed” He stood gracefully and they headed back to the cave.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 100 kudos!  
> This chapter hasn't been bate'd yet so I'll uptdate it when I get my beta finishes it. 
> 
> Also if you're wondering 265 Kelving is -8C or 17F

The next day Spock got up and searched through the messy bag for the PADD his father had given him. Once he found it he quietly flicked through it making sure not to wake James who was sleeping relatively peacefully in the corner. His long messy blond hair covered three-quarters of his face but he could still make out the relaxed expression on his face, unlike the last two days, as he softly snored. Satisfaction filled him when he found the literature he was looking for and transferred it to another PADD. James stirred slightly in his sleep and his breathing quickened just like the day before, he was having another nightmare. As soft and quiet cries left his lips Spock was tempted to get up and soothe his mind to peaceful rest, he was obviously in distress and possible pain. He was kneeling above James before he knew what he was doing and then he suddenly arrested his hand which was hovering in mid-air just above James’ face, he snatched it back as if burned. Shame flooded Spock of what he almost has done, he was about to violate James’ mind with his explicit instruction not to. His whole body was burning with it and for a moment he couldn’t think of anything else but the self-disgust coursing through him.

Spock was so focused on his emotions that he didn’t even notice that James had woken up and was now staring curiously at him.  
“Morning” his voice was slightly raspy from sleep and it caused Spock to jump. His vision swam back and slowly focused on James’ bright blue eyes still looking at him possibly judging his emotion he was obviously showing on his face.  
“Good morning.” he finally managed to speak. A silence fell over them, that was neither awkward nor comfortable. As Spock was still absorbed in his mind and its turmoil, James was still eyeing him with that perceptive gaze of his, it was like he could see Spock’s innermost secrets, it slightly unnerved him, James’ vision strayed from his face to the PADD still clutched to his chest and his eyebrows furrowed, Spock completely forgot about it and now that James had noticed the small device felt hot and heavy in his arms.  
“What’s that?” he asked curiously unaware of the inner debate Spock’s been having and he stiffened at James’ voice. He willed his heart rate to lower so that it wasn’t bursting out of his side and gently gave the PADD to James making sure not to touch him.  
“It’s the database and scientific research of Vulcan’s constellations” James’ head perked up at that in excitement a smile crossing his face and Spock suddenly felt heat travel up his neck  
“Really?” James asked in astonishment as he flicked through the first few pages. “This is so cool! Thank you!” The smile that adored James’ face had turned into a full grin that made his face glow with joy, and Spock's mouth twitched into a small smile.

With his shame momentarily forgotten Spock went to the dead campfire and tried to reignite it, while James sat by the wall of the cave his attention absorbed by the PADD, his face showing fascinated interest one that he hasn’t until now. There were many strange things about James he’d noticed in the past few days:  
_1\. He is well below the average weight of a human his age.  
2\. He suffers from nightmares that sometimes cause temporary amnesia.  
3\. He’s showing signs of distrust, by the way, he’s carrying himself like a tightly coiled snake ready to snap any moment.  
4\. And he ran away from home. _  
__ The fire didn’t want to start no matter how Spock smashed the flint together, frustration began to rise in the pit of his stomach. Suddenly James placed a pale hand on the flint stopping Spock from destroying it in a fruitless attempt to light the fire. Spock glanced at him as he began to talk under his breath  
“Here let me help you.” and he gently pried the flint from Spock’s hand and began to arrange the sticks in a cone-like shape than he softly tapped the two pieces of flint together and a bright orange spark was emitted lighting the sticks in a beautiful blaze of oranges and yellows as the fire roared to life. _ _  
_5\. James had some or lot of experience of survival in the wild._  
__Spock stared at the crackling fire in fascination and for once not jealous of knowing things he should as well.  
“How?” he whispered out as he cast his gaze at James, he smiled and gave the flint back to Spock.  
“You had the sticks too far apart and you were bashing those poor pieces of flint way too hard to produce a spark.” He grabbed Spock’s hand suddenly, and he had seconds to fortify his mental shields and guided Spock’s hand to tap the flint gently together.  
“See like that” Another smile was given to Spock as he stared down at his hands once James had let go. Spock stood gracefully and handed some leaves to James and they ate in comfortable silence.

The rest of the day James spent flicking through the PADD his attention solely focused on the words on the small screen. His face seemed to change rapidly if he found something he didn’t understand from puzzled to an excited smile though these didn’t last long, then focused determination flashed in his blue eyes when he found something interesting or puzzling but not once did he ask Spock for clarification or to help with the translation. As he slowly got more absorbed by the reading his tongue slightly stuck out in his focus he didn’t seem to notice that he was doing it and Spock only noticed because he was watching him closely for any potential negative reaction.  
_6\. James is incredibly independent and clever._  
Spock spent his time tidying up for their departure tomorrow as his mother sent a message that he can come home. Excitement and dread filled him at the thought of going back. He had come to enjoy the solitude the desert had offered then the company of James who was the most openly emotional person Spock had ever met in his short life beside his mother of course. He didn’t want to go back to the oppressive aura that his father sometimes carried like he wanted him to achieve even beyond the already high expectations he had set for Spock. He didn’t want to go back to the constant judgement and taunting of his fellow Vulcans and classmates daring him to show any semblance of emotion. But then he missed his mother the kindness she has shown him despite his heritage, she was one of the constants in his chaotic life. And he wanted to introduce James to her, the only human living on this planet besides diplomats. His thoughts suddenly ground to a halt as the question of James came up in his mind. How would his parents react? His mother would be delighted that Spock was sure on. But his father? Or the rest of Vulcan? He didn’t know. His classmates would react badly due to James’ apparent emotionalism. Spock can’t tell them he found James in the desert after he ran away from home, be he can’t lie either. He couldn’t decide which option was the best as his thought kept circling in on themselves or jumping around in an attempt to find a solution to the sudden problem he was facing. Spock was so focused on the mental debate he was having with himself that he didn't even notice James approaching him until he was crouching in his field of vision.  
“Hey Spock?” he asked and Spock had to suppress the urge to jump a second time today, so he turned his head in the general direction of James. “Are you okay?” Concern seeped into that question as Spock’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion  
“Why wouldn’t he be okay?” James scratched the back of his head and a look of sheepishness crossed his face as he pointed to the bag he was packing... or supposed to be packing as the contents of the bag were laid around it in a messy clutter.  
“You’ve been emptying and repacking that same bag for the past 15 minutes.” James pointed out, and the embarrassed expression didn’t leave his face. Spock glanced back down at the bag and its emptied contents trying to figure out how he has lost concentration this badly that he didn’t perceive that he was repacking the same bag multiple times. When he returned his gaze at James the embarrassed expression had morphed into something akin to fear as he cast his gaze back to the ground  
“I’m sorry.”  
Once again Spock furrowed his eyebrows not understanding why James was suddenly apologising to him.  
“Why are you sorry?” he asked curiously. James’ head snapped back up as his blue eyes locked with his but only for a second then they left gazing at the rock nearby, as he fidgeted with his hands in nervousness.  
“Well, I distracted you from your thoughts. You were clearly absorbed in them,” he whispered and it was so unlike James that worry flared in Spock’s stomach.  
“No, it's alright.” Spock tried to reassure James as best he could, and his eyes found Spock’s again and they were softly glowing with hope.  
“Really?”  
“Yes, I was just thinking about what would happen when we return.” Spock nodded as he explained and James’ expression turned into something that he couldn’t quite identify  
“Return?” James asked  
“My mother sent me a message that I can go back and you can come with me…” Spock faltered for a moment “If you want” Cautious excitement coloured James’ face as he eagerly nodded  
“What are they like? Your parents?”  
Spock hesitated for a moment, he didn’t know how to describe them to James, so he started with something simple after a small sigh  
“My mother is a very kind woman, she doesn’t treat me differently unlike everyone, she understands me in a way that no one else had. My father ....” Spock paused and James’ expression lit up in akin to understanding  
“It’s okay my ‘dad’ was also a shithead. Well, he wasn’t my real dad, but that’s not the point” James rambled with a casual smile and joking tone but the way his body seemed to curl up on himself suggested a mood something entirely different to the one he was trying to project. Spock didn’t know how to react to that so he stayed silent for a second.  
“My father is not a ‘shithead’” he cringed at the curse word “as you said but he is not often home…” Spock trailed off unsure and James nodded in understanding  
“A shithead then” James concluded with an airy smile and Spock gave James an unimpressed look and he began to giggle, lighting up his face in a soft glow, the joyous giggles twisted something in Spock’s abdomen as he watched him, once James had calmed down Spock spoke a bit quieter this time  
“What was your father like?” he asked curious, James’ expression and stance lost all its levity in a matter of seconds, hunching in on himself his gaze once again cast down to the red floor of the cave. He began to fidget with the edge of his shirt  
“Which one? The dead one or the not real one?” he asked voice teetering on the edge of sarcasm as he looked up a fake smile plastered on his face, a joking mask to hide the pain that was present in his bright blue gaze. And Spock hesitated to continue with the question he had in mind.  
“Both” Spock finally decided and he knew he shouldn’t have as James’ expression flickered to fear and pain before hiding in the depth of his mind with a tired and fake smile. James sighed preparing himself, then he suddenly lifted his head and looked at Spock the fear replaced by confusion in his gaze.  
"Wait. You don't know my dad?" Disbelief coloured his voice as Spock stared back with an equally puzzled expression  
"What do you mean?" James' expression shifted between a few emotions in a span of seconds, finally landing on confused elation  
"Really?" He chuckled drily "George Kirk? Doesn't it ring a bell?" He looked at Spock with the expectation of him recognising the name. When he didn't answer James stared at him, and then he sighed preparing himself  
"He was the captain of the USS Kelvin for a mere 20 minutes and he saved the full crew of 400 people, myself and my mother by sacrificing his life" His expression became detached as he stated the facts, then he looked up at Spock, fear of something clouding his eyes  
"That's a great achievement" Spock started "but he shouldn't have sacrificed his life" He didn't understand what the problem was as James' eyes snapped to his disbelief and relief in them.  
"You're not going to compare me to him?" His voice had a cautious edge to it, and Spock raised an eyebrow  
"Why would I do that?"  
"Because he was practically a hero! Most people assume that I would be as well" he admitted with a mumble  
"His achievements don't determine yours or the ones you'll receive in the future" A soft smile appeared on James' face when he said that. Then he got up from his casual position he adopted during the conversation  
"Well let's pack up" and he moved to the bags.

After they packed their stuff and rested until the early morning sun shone through the entrance they left the cave that has become their temporary home behind, to the warm red desert. The sun was climbing higher by the hour bearing the heat down on them throughout their trek. Spock had to mind his speed to make sure he didn’t leave James behind as he didn’t take well to the heat, he was already sweating and breathing heavily and they had to stop regularly to rest and drink water. After 5 stops like that the sun was beginning to approach the horizon casting the sky marvellous reds and yellows along with it the temperature began to drop, giving Spock a slight chill. The sky darkened substantially in the past half hour, decreasing the distance they could see, James let out a sigh of relief when a particularly cold gust of wind swept past them causing Spock to shiver slightly. Once they were on top of a flat enough dune Spock placed the bag down in the dark sand and began taking supplies out for the fire, James stood awkwardly by the side a confused expression on his face  
“Shouldn’t we continue?” he asked after a stretch of time, Spock looked up at him  
“No, Vulcan has many nocturnal predators that are very dangerous.” Another gust of freezing wind caused him to shiver visibly as he clutched his arm to his chest in an attempt to keep warm  
“And the Vulcan physiology is not evolved to withstand the cold temperatures of the desert night” he continued  
“How cold?” James asked as he crouched beside Spock  
“265 Kelvin” His hands already began to shake as he tried to light the fire, James whistled  
“That’s cold” and he moved to set up their sleeping bags placing the thermal blankets above them  
“So that’s why you got these blankets” James mused  
“Yes, I knew that the speed we would be travelling is less than usual so we won’t make it home in a day” Finally the fire was lit and immediately engulfed him in comfortable warmth. He glanced at James who had surprise written on his face  
“Wait, you travelled there in a day?” he asked with disbelief in his voice, as he sat down by the softly crackling fire, Spock only nodded.  
“Show off” James muttered without any malice and a soft smile spread across Spock’s features. They grabbed some food and ate in companionable silence. When the temperature dropped to a level where Spock couldn’t feel his hands he glanced at James a question forming on his lips, but James only smiled gently  
“Don’t worry I’ll take 1st watch”  
Grateful Spock wiggled inside the sleeping bag, and pulled the blanket over himself, immediately relieved by the soft warmth as he slowly relaxed to sleep.

Spock woke to light filtering through his eyelids and he pried them open. He was greeted by the slow sunrise at the east, he glanced around worried, looking for James. His eyes finally landed on the hunched figure of James, he was intently staring into the still crackling fire. As if by a sixth sense James turned to him and his face lit up as an amused smile formed on his face  
“Good morning” James chuckled  
“Good morning” he replied when James’ chuckles grew louder Spock tilted his head sideways.  
"Is there a problem?"  
The chuckling had turned to full-on laughter as James pointed a shaky finger at his hair's general direction.  
"No…" another laugh "Your hair" tears of joy were beginning to form on James' face. Spock's mouth twitched to a smile as he quietly padded down his unruly hair.

As he looked James over, his stance that reeked exhaustion, large black circles under his eyes and the 5 small tired yawns in the space of 2 minutes all suggested that James hadn't slept all night and concern washed over Spock  
"Have you slept?" He asked acutely aware that James may not want to talk about it, James stiffened for a second but then slowly relaxed as he glanced at Spock  
"I didn't want to wake you" Spock was taken aback by that honest statement and he didn't know how to reply to that. The sudden quiet made James uncomfortable as he began to fidget  
"I mean…" he trailed off. "It was cold and you… you don't handle the cold well and…" A small pink crept up his cheeks  
"James'" Spock interjected his nervous rambling and his blue gaze returned to him and his face contracted in confusion. Spock took in a breath to continue but James cut him off before a sound could escape Spock  
"Why do you keep calling me James?" Spock raised an eyebrow and James shook his head, his blond hair swirling with his movements  
"Isn't that your name?"  
"Yes, but no one calls me that anymore"  
"Then what do they call you?" Spock asked curiously  
"Jim" James simply answered and Spock took a moment to answer  
"Do you want me to stop calling you James?" James looked at him his bright gaze searching Spock's, once he found what he was looking for he gently shook his head  
"No, I don't mind."

With this previous topic forgotten they are and packed up and began the second day of their journey. The weather was slightly cooler making James sweat and heave less do they had to stop fewer times. By midday they finally set their sights in the red sandstone buildings of Spock's home city, his parents' house was atop a small hill far enough for other Vulcans not to notice James. James stared at the city in wonder shining in his eyes and the small smile that grew in size the closer they got to the city.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did some illustrations of a scene here and back in chapter 3 so if you haven't checked it out yet go do so! lol 
> 
> TW: Minor character death, Panic attacks

Amanda Greyson was just as kind of a woman as Jim had imagined. When they finally arrived at the unassuming house where Spock lived, Amanda immediately embraced Spock in a tight hug burying her face in the crook of Spock’s neck only after that did she notice Jim standing awkwardly on the steps a few feet behind Spock. Her eyes lit up as she let go of Spock. Startled Jim glanced at Spock in panic   
“Mother…” Spock began but she cut him off  
“Are you Spock’s friend?” she asked her eyes searching his face for a lie. Jim immediately straightened out conscious of his posture.  
“Yes ma’am” He extended his hand in the standard Earth greeting. Amanda glanced at it surprised   
“James or Jim if you prefer” he introduced himself as he nervously fidgeted with the edge of his shirt, Amanda blinked a few times then a large smile took over her features as she took his hand and firmly shook it.  
“Nice to meet you, Jim. I’m Amanda Greyson” When she let go, she gestured to them inside. Spock almost immediately disappeared probably to his room, leaving Jim alone standing awkwardly in the foyer not knowing what to do. Amanda glanced back at him and gestured with her hand  
“Come on in Jim” her voice was soft and inviting. Jim stiffly walked to the couch in the living room and sat down. He watched as Amanda prepared something in the kitchen, glancing around the room he noticed the decor was minimal with a few geometric paintings and a flower in the corner. The room itself seemed to be carved out of the red sandstone of the nearby mountains. There was a bookshelf that was stuffed to the brim of what appeared to be actual books in Vulcan but he couldn’t decipher what they were about.

Amanda startled Jim out of his daze as she placed a tray on the coffee table in front of him. There were a few kinds of biscuits and sweets, along with three glasses and a jug of orange juice.   
“I’m sorry we don’t have anything else, but it’s so rare that we get a human guest.” Amanda apologized sheepishly Jim glanced at her and smiled softly   
“It’s ok” he grabbed one of the biscuits and just fidgeted with it his stomach clenching   
“So how did you meet Spock?” Amanda asked, curious but not too overt of her suspicions. Jim swallowed, his brain desperately searching for an answer that wasn’t too unusual, he really wished Spock was with him  
“I ummm…” Nervous energy took over him as he bit into the biscuit, instantly regretting it as his stomach lurched  
“We met in school” Spock answered suddenly, Jim glanced up at him startled “His family is here temporarily on Vulcan on a scientific mission” Spock continued.   
“I see,” Amanda answered softly as Spock resumed  
“They asked if we could house James for a few weeks as they had an emergency come up” Spock’s tone and gaze was unflinching as he spoke, not a hint that he was lying. Jim stared at him astonished but he quickly rained in his expression as Spock gave him a sharp warning glare. Amanda glanced between them her face thoughtful, Jim’s shoulders tensed, his stomach clenched in the wait but after a while, she smiled at Jim  
“You’re welcome to stay as long as you need” The tension left Jim at those words and he visibly deflated  
“Thank you, ma’am” He grabbed another biscuit despite his protesting stomach and ate it in two bites, he washed it down with a glass of orange juice. Spock sat down next to him, seemingly more relaxed after his mother hadn't asked too many questions.

“So where did you come from Jim?” Amanda asked and Jim’s head snapped back to her   
“Uh… Iowa” He mumbled out. “But we travelled a lot so we didn’t stay in one place for long”   
“I can imagine. It must be nice to meet a friend in an alien world”   
“Yeah” Jim softly chuckled as he cast a glance at Spock. He was sitting straight like royalty, his head facing his mother, dark hair partially obscuring it from Jim’s view. They chatted for a while, Amanda was trying to get to know him and Jim trying to not give it all away with the wrong word. When Amanda rose her brown hair flowing gracefully with her movements as she grabbed the tray, the biscuits were almost gone along with the orange juice.   
“Spock be a dear and show Jim his room” she turned and left to the kitchen without another word

Despite its appearance, Spock’s house was bigger than what Jim had expected. He showed Jim around and he tried to catalogue where each room was relative to the entrance, especially the bathroom, his room, and Spock’s room. The house was nicely decorated though a bit sparsely in Jim’s opinion, no family pictures or childhood artworks on the wall nor any plants that were bigger than a small pot. It was unusually clean, everything polished with meticulous care until it shone. The whole thing made the warmly lit halls feel cold and suffocating. Spock hadn’t said a word since they left the living room but Jim tried not to stare at the back of his head in concern too much. When they finally arrived at the door before Jim’s room Spock turned to leave, not even glancing at him, Jim had enough and grabbed the sleeve of his robe. Spock finally turned to him with a startled look in his eyes and Jim felt self-conscious for a moment  
“Are… Are you okay?” he stammered out and Spock raised an eyebrow.   
“Yes,” he answered with a cool voice that Jim hasn’t heard before and the look Spock gave him made him understand. Jim gently let go of the robe   
“Alright,” he glanced at the floor as Spock began to make his way to his room across the corridor. Jim’s stomach clenched.  
“But if you need anything. I’m right here.” Jim suddenly spoke up, his head held high. Spock stopped but didn’t turn around as his shoulders tensed. Jim heard a quiet sigh before Spock continued down the corridor. Trying not to feel embarrassed Jim hastily opened the door and barreled inside. 

The lights immediately came on casting the whole room in a gentle shower of amber, slightly softening the sharp edges of the geometric furniture. Jim dropped his duffel bag onto the couch with a soft thud and collapsed onto the bed. The bed was harder than the one he had in Iowa but softer than the rough ground he was so familiar with. Suddenly the emotions of the past week caught up with him as hot tears streamed down his cheeks. His whole body tensed with anger or sadness he didn’t even know as he furiously rubbed his eyes struggling to get rid of the tears now that the dam had finally broken. Everything was so overwhelming Jim didn’t even think. A sob wracked his body. He curled in on himself tightly clutching his legs to his chest his body shaking with repressed sorrows. His nose was runny he couldn’t breathe for a second and panic settled in among the confusing mess of emotions that were swirling inside him, he had to move to get some tissues. His whole body protested as his sluggish mind forced it to move. His mind suddenly active was constantly barraging him with self-hatred as he moved across the room the tears still digging hot trenches down his face.   
“You idiot” he mumbled to himself. “What the hell are you doing here?” There were no tissues in the bag. He wanted to throw the whole bag across the room in his anger.   
“Fuck!” he exclaimed as he sank down to the floor the sobs still shaking his body.   
“Stop it, you moron!” But the tears kept coming and coming, Jim didn’t even know why he was even crying anymore. His numb hands grabbed his headphones and fumbled with it as he turned the music on full blast. Frustration building up the longer it took. The room seemed to shrink as the loud music hit his ears, as he moved his head mumbling the lyrics to himself putting more force into it the chorus where the music picked up. It felt cathartic to let his emotions out through the heavy metal music, the loud bass calming him and the lyrics felt just right. Soon the tears slowed his sobs quieted down fragile and raw calmness washed over him. His mind was still hazy but at least he could move his body. He grabbed the PADD that was lying discarded on the floor, flicked through it in excitement to the end. It was the PADD that Spock gave him 2 days ago. He loved every word of it, Jim just found it really amazing and interesting how the Vulcan culture seemed to think about stars, it was different yet similar to many Earth cultures that used the stars to predict your future, but also help you find your way if you were lost. He finished reading it in no time, disappointment filled at the thought of not reading it anymore. Maybe he could ask Spock for more?

Jim got up and the sudden dizziness made him stumble for a second. Once the dots from his vision disappeared he slowly stumbled to the bathroom and washed his face. He took a glance at the mirror and he almost stumbled back, that wasn’t him. The boy in the mirror looked terrible: his long hair was dirty and unwashed giving it a darker colour, tangled in many places, his eyes were red and puffy the blue irises standing out, yet they were hollow devoid of life as he stared back at Jim, his cheeks were sunken in as a low dirty blond stubble began to grow on them, his collar bones stood out from under his shirt as they stuck to the skin of his collar no bones between them. He looked exactly like when he returned from the colony. Suddenly Spock burst through the door startling Jim, the brush he was holding loudly fell into the sink. Embarrassment coursed through him but Spock looked at him as if nothing had happened.   
“Mother said diner will be ready in 5 minutes,” Spock announced as he turned to exit, leaving Jim barely enough time to answer.  
“Oh, okay” he fumbled out before the door closed behind Spock. Jim took another long look at the boy in the mirror and sighed in defeat.   
By the time Jim arrived at the dining table, everything was set up, Spock was already sitting in his seat and Jim watched Amanda finish the dinner before awkwardly sitting across from Spock. He fidgeted with the sleeve of his jumper staring intently at the empty plate only risking an occasional glance at Spock when he knew it was safe. Jim gathered all his courage as he spoke  
“Hey, thanks for the stuff you gave me earlier.” Spock glanced at him surprised as Jim continued. “Do you have more or something..” his face heated up as Spock raised an eyebrow.   
“Because well… I’ve finished it.” Spock stared at him for a long moment.   
“Fascinating” he mumbled to himself just as Amanda set the steaming soup on the table she glanced between them  
“What did you finish?” she asked curiously sitting in her seat and Jim scratched his arm nervously.  
“Um well… Spock gave me some reading on the constellations of Vulcan and such…” he rushed out and Amanda somehow understood as her face lit up in interest.   
“Do you like stars, Jim?”   
“Yeah, I love stargazing when I have the chance.” Jim smiled as Amanda looked delighted at that, she turned to Spock.  
“Spock you must take Jim up to the mountains to see the stars!” she looked at him expectantly and it was just now that Jim noticed how uncomfortable Spock looked at his mother’s excitement.  
“Mother… I don’t really have time…” Amanda was just about to protest when Jim spoke up  
“I’m sure the stars are just as beautiful down here than up there” he took a glance at the red soup that was in front of them. “What’s this?” he asked as they finally poured some onto their plates.  
“Plomeek Soup” Amanda answered as Spock glanced at him gratefully, for the topic change.  


There was no conversation for a while. Jim was surprised how much he liked the soup despite its apparent bland taste and texture, but somehow he still slurped it all up in record time. Soft whispers of a conversation passed between Amanda and Spock they were talking in an alien language probably Vulcan. Spock seemed to tense as he talked to his mother, his shoulders stiff and his mouth tightly drawn into a frown. Then Amanda got up shaking her head in disappointment, she collected the dishes and disappeared to the kitchen. Spock intensely glared at the table and Jim glanced to the kitchen before he spoke  
“Hey Spock, are you okay?” Concern seeped into his voice and Spock’s glare suddenly found its way to Jim’s face, he slightly recoiled at that but then the glare softened as Spock quickly averted his eyes.   
“Yes, I’m fine” he sighed tiredly. Soon Amanda returned with the deserts some kind of bread and once again they ate in silence albeit a bit more of an awkward one. After they finished dinner Jim retreated to his room. The exhaustion from the past week finally caught up with him and he crashed into the hard bed. Sleep consumed him in a matter of minutes faster than usual. 

_  
Jim woke in a pile of leaves, on the hard forest floor. His head hurt as he gazed at the green canopy overhead, the leaves were rustling singing a sad song. He slowly sat up and glanced around the forest. The path where the boar tore through was just like a scar on the forest floor and shrubbery, the branches were all broken to pieces the ground torn up leaving nothing but mud behind. Confused Jim began looking for Kevin, the last time he saw him was just before the boar attacked them, he stumbled to his feet slightly swaying from weakness. Dread settled in his stomach as he began his search. It took him a mere five minutes to find Kevin. He was lying on the forest floor just like he was but unlike him, a red pool of blood was under him, his brown hair dyed red by it. Jim froze paralysed with fear. His legs moved on their own and he found himself at Kevin’s side, flipping him over he checked on the wound on his side. He was bleeding badly, Jim’s hands were shaking as he tore some of his already mattered clothes for a makeshift bandage.   
_  
_  
“Come on you idiot!” He mumbled as he worked on applying the strips of cloth to the wound. Blood was still oozing out of it no matter how much he tried to stop it. Jim tried to hold back the tears. A groan escaped Kevin’s mouth and Jim looked at him hopefully, his green eyes opened and found Jim’s they were full of agony and fear  
_  
_  
“Jim?” he asked with a weak and trembling voice, the tears were now freely falling from Jim’s face.   
_  
_  
“I’m here kid” Jim choked out, trying not to fall apart.   
_  
_  
“I don’t feel my legs…” Kevin mumbled out and Jim’s heart was ceased by terror as he put more pressure on the wound.  
_  
_  
“You gonna be fine,” He said reassuring both Kevin and himself.   
_  
_  
“Jim, please… leave me”  
_  
“I can’t and I won’t!” Jim almost shouted, sobbing. Kevin was losing too much blood he won’t make it, Jim tore at some of his trousers when a hand grabbed his. Jim glanced down at Kevin who was panting heavily his eyes lidded with fatigue. Slowly they closed and Kevin breathing stopped. 

_  
“No!” he cried out to the silent forest. “I… promised! NO!” he sobbed as he clutched Kevin’s body to his chest. The agony ripped through him in waves. He silently vailed for hours clutching Kevin’s body. When he looked up sniffling the children were surrounding him. Their eyes were full of cold fury. Jim flinched  
_  
_  
“It’s all your fault!” the boy at the lead said his red hair ruffled by the breeze, his voice freezing. He looked at him in horror and not a voice left his mouth. The others stood behind him with such hatred Jim almost ran  
_  
_  
“It’s all your fault!” they chanted. Their familiar voices meshing into one, a hand flew to his ears. Was it his own? He staggered back away from their accusing glares when the ground beneath him gave away.   
_  
_  
“It’s all your fault!” They continued. Jim found himself in the old house back at Iowa. His brother arguing with Frank. A door slammed. Shouting.   
_  
_  
“It’s all your fault!” he clenched his hand around his head harder. Shutting his eyes with enough force that his head hurt.   
_  
_  
“Stop it!” he weakly mumbled out. An engine roar. He was in the old car speeding down a dirt road, dust flying behind him. Did he pass his brother? In a blink of an eye, the car was nearing the edge of a cliff.   
_

Jim’s eyes flew open just before the car left the edge of the cliff. He was panting hard, sweat rolled down his back. Wild gaze glanced around the yet again unfamiliar room. His breath hitched. He couldn’t breathe. Where was he? His breaths were shallow lacking in oxygen. His heart was racing. Where was he? His vision blurred. His hands were numb and shaking. He still couldn’t breathe. The door flew open. Light flooded the unfamiliar room. Shallow gasps. His eyes focused on the boy who rushed to his side. Who is he? The boy’s hands neared him and Jim’s breathing quickened as he wildly scrambled away from the boy with pointy ears who sat down at the edge of his bed.   
“James?” the boy asked almost inaudible between the loud gulps of air Jim was taking.   
“I’m Spock. You’re at my house in a bedroom.” Spock began and Jim’s attention focused on him.   
“You’re okay. Nobody is going to hurt you. I… I promise” Spock’s brown eyes shone with determination. Jim’s breathing slowed.   
“S-Spo-ock” Jim managed to mumble out between pants and Spock’d head perked up.   
“Yes, James?”  
“I … need a … dis-tract-ion” His breathing wasn’t back to normal yet. The panic still lingered in his body but at least everything was focused at Spock. Spock looked at him thoughtfully  
“Tell me about the stars in Iowa?” An amused chuckle escaped Jim.  
“The stars?”  
“Yes. Are they different than the stars here?”  
“Yeah well… they’re a lot… dimmer… and… there are ships… that get in the… way and stuff… I guess they’re as beautiful as here.”   
“Really?” Spock asked curiously  
“Stars are beautiful no matter where I am. I guess there is that feeling of freedom in that limitless waiting to be explored. It’s wonderful.” His breathing was back to normal. The fragments of panic still lingered at the edge of his consciousness. His hands still shook and he felt fragile but he could breathe again. He glanced at Spock, the light from the corridor illuminating his back giving him a glow that almost made him look ethereal.   
“Thanks, Spock.” He whispered into the suddenly quiet air.   
“Anytime” Spock moved to get up, and Jim suddenly lurched forward and hugged him. Spock stiffened under him as Jim held on tighter. He felt the tears spill down his cheeks so he buried his head in Spock’s shoulder feeling comforted by the warmth  
“It’s not my fault, is it?” he asked quietly. He felt Spock’s breath hitch for a moment. He pushed Jim away just enough to look him in the eye.   
“No” Spock’s firm voice and unyielding brown eyes that were so firmly locked to his own made him tear up again. His chest felt tight. Jim didn’t know how to thank him so he just buried his head in the crook of Spock’s neck and held on even tighter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the missed update but this chapter oh boy! It was a pain to write lol but it's almost twice as long as the other ones. And this past 2 months of quarantine killed my motivation to do anything 
> 
> I tried to make this chapter less angstier than the past ones but I kinda failed at that I apparently can't write fluff lol and please tell me if the characterisation of Jim and his mental state is problematic because I can't tell he's just all over the place so I'm sorry about that

It took a while for Jim to let go of Spock. The warmth of his hug soothed him helping to steer his thoughts away from the nightmare he had and the guilt that soon followed after. Jim could feel Spock slowly becoming tense under him, so with great disappointment, he slowly let go and distanced himself. The first thing that hit him was the cold, he missed the warmth of their hug, the second thing was the confused expression of Spock’s face. His body was tense and he looked like he wanted to bolt up and leave. The tendrils of guilt wrapped around his consciousness strangling him in their chokehold of his mind. Jim looked at the bed for a long moment  
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that” Jim mumbled out conscious of the small blush on his cheeks when Spock didn’t answer the nervous energy inside him spiked  
“I don't know what came over me. I just needed…” he rubbed his face furiously “Ugh I know you’re a touch telepath and I just hugged you without your consent. I’m such an idiot! Why didn’t I think of that! I probably transferred all my thoughts and shit to you….” He smashed his palm to his face, trying to will away the sudden embarrassment that boiled up inside him. “What was I thinking?! I’m so sorry Spock” Jim blurted out almost in one breath. He glanced up at Spock through his hands and the next ramble apology stuck in his throat. Spock was sitting on the bed, the light from the corridor illuminating his back, his brown eyes wide with amazement and a small green blush on his cheeks and pointy ears. Jim slowly lowered his hands from his face  
“Are you okay?” he asked concerned as the blush on Spock’s cheeks slightly deepened, he blinked as if noticing that Jim was talking to him, shook his head  
“Yes” Spock answered slowly his voice was still monotone despite his flustered appearance  
“Will you be alright to sleep?” Spock asked as he shuffled around to get off the bed. Panicked Jim almost grabbed his hand but caught himself just in time leaving his arm hanging awkwardly in midair. Spock glanced at it curiously and Jim tried to cover up his blunder by rubbing the back of his head.   
“Well, not really” Jim sighed “I don’t usually go back to sleep after a nightmare like that” he began to fiddle with the bedsheet as Spock looked back at him curiously  
“What do you usually do then?” he asked  
“Stare at the ceiling or out the window maybe listen to some music” Jim didn’t mention that by this time he would be hurling his guts out for the third time. “Frank didn’t like it when I turned the lights on or if I made loud noises that woke him up”  
“That doesn’t sound comforting” Spock raised an eyebrow “Frank?”   
“Yeah, the not real dad” he chuckled as Spock’s expression cleared from its confusion  
“I frequently meditate to help with my emotional balance” Spock continued  
“Meditate?”   
“Yes, it helps clear the mind of extraneous thoughts and emotions, allowing us to focus on logic and reason. It is one of the most essential ways Vulcans regulate their emotions and strengthen their mental shields” Spock explained, his eyes seemingly lighting up as he talked  
“What happens if you don’t meditate?” Jim asked his interest piqued  
“It is said that if a Vulcan doesn’t meditate regularly enough he can go mad and savage blinded by rage just like our ancestors”  
“Wait… I haven’t seen you do that since we met through” Jim pointed out and Spock raised an eyebrow.   
“I have been meditating, but only when you were sleeping as it can be easily disturbed”  
“Oh…” Jim sighed feeling awkward again as he realised he probably interrupted Spock while he meditated, twice now at least. He peeked at Spock  
“Did I interrupt you?” Jim mumbled out avoiding Spock’s gaze. The quiet stretched on as Spock didn’t answer. “I’m sorry”   
“It’s okay. One interrupted meditation won’t cause me any harm”   
“Didn’t you just say-” Jim looked into Spock’s eyes as he cut him off the same determination in the brown irises as before  
“You had a panic attack from a nightmare. I’d say that’s more important than the meditation” As Jim inhaled to protest that he wasn’t worth it Spock continued “Besides I’d have to skip 5 days worth of mediation for any adverse effects to occur” Spock returned Jim’s intense blue gaze and his protest froze on the tip of his tongue   
“Why?” he murmured instead, voice laced with insecurity just loud enough for Spock to hear  
“You’re my friend,” Spock said earnestly and Jim’s traitorous heart leapt at those words “I would sacrifice my meditation to help you” Spock finished. By now Jim’s heart swelled at that but his mind wasn’t ready to accept Spock’s loyalty and honesty, he had to stop himself from scoffing with distrust. He stared down at his lap trying to make sense of all the emotions and thoughts running through his mind. “What if he’s saying that to get close to me? And then leave…” The thought popped up from the darkest part of his mind, he shook his head fervently “He wouldn’t do that” His thoughts circled each other for a minute or two never deciding on Spock’s friendship. A gentle hand landed on his knee and Jim almost jumped out his skin in fear. The hand was snatched away  
“I’m sorry” Spock whispered and Jim nodded “I’m going to get something from my room I’ll be right back” he continued and gracefully climbed off the bed and hurried out of the door. Jim stared after him, dazed wondering what he would bring. Soon the lights turned on as Spock returned.

Jim glanced up, the bright light blinding him for a second, but he could still make out the rough shape of Spock who stood in the hallway. Spock strode closer and Jim noticed a box in Spock’s hand, it rattled curiously whenever Spock moved it. The box was made out of wood with a checkered pattern carved into it, forming an eight by eight grid of alternating black and white squares on closer inspection, Jim noticed some letters and numbers etched along the sides of the grid. The whole of the box shone with varnish though there were still some scratch marks and the black paint was fading with age and use.   
“Oh?” Jim raised an eyebrow in question as Spock sat opposite him on the bed and carefully opened the box.  
“I thought you’ll enjoy chess” he spoke calmly as he flipped the box upside down and two dozen black and white pieces fell out of it landing with a soft thud. Jim curiously picked up one of the pieces, it was also made out of wood painted black and varnished just like the board but just like the board the paint was faded and a little patchy as if it had been repainted with care many times over the years, it’s shape reminded Jim of a horse or a knight as he turned it around in his hand. Spock began to arrange the pieces on the board, putting all the white pieces on Jim’s side and the black ones on his own, there appeared to be no order to the arrangement at first but soon Jim realised that Spock was putting the smaller ones in front of the bigger ones which were arranged in a symmetrical fashion, Jim watched in fascination as Spock’s hand gently glided across the board. Suddenly Jim paled as he realised he didn’t know how to play chess  
“You know Spock?” Spock glanced up at him as he placed the last horse on the board “I’ve never played chess before” Jim admitted rubbing the back of his head in nervousness  
“I know. That’s why I’ll teach you” Spock declared, the same determination in his eyes that Jim couldn’t say no to, and he nodded eagerly excited to play this with Spock. 

After Spock very thoroughly explained the rules and what each piece did, they finally began to play. Spock was black, he said he preferred it, so Jim was left being white. He studied the board wondering what to do, then he randomly picked up one of the pawns and moved it forwards Spock did the same though he took less time to think about it. They continued like this for a short while: Jim moving the pieces in no particular order just getting the hang of how they worked while Spock took his time pondering his every move as if Jim was a more experienced player. His nose scrunched up in concentration while his brown eyes focused intently on the board. Jim had a plan in mind: he was going to move the rook over so that Spock’s queen was endangered and he would be able to take it. Jim felt pretty confident about it. Spock glanced at him and suddenly all the confidence drained from him through the knowing brown gaze of his, without tearing his eyes away from Jim he gently grabbed one of the bishops and took Jim’s rook. Jim stared at the board in surprise   
“Where did that come from?” he muttered frustrated that his ‘genius’ plan failed. He glanced at Spock who’s gaze fell back to the board and Jim could’ve sworn he saw the tiniest hint of a smirk on his face. His heart began to beat wildly in his chest from the sudden frustration that washed over him somehow knowing that Spock was mocking him daring him to give up. Jim was too stubborn to give up now. 

No matter what Jim did the match ended a mere five minutes later with his crushing defeat. It was expected seeing how much better Spock was but it still made him want to continue, see if he can beat him one day. Spock glanced at him worry in his gaze as Jim had finished staring at the board, Jim returned his gaze the blue eyes burning with determination   
“Another one?” he asked, not ready to give up yet. Spock stared at him in shock, the eyebrow well above his fringe then met Jim’s gaze and nodded in understanding as he began to set the board up again, switching colours for variety's sake. Jim’s concentration was all on the board as Spock moved his first pawn, he had to be smarter than last time. After a second he picked up his first piece and their match of wills began. This round was significantly longer as both of them were considering each move, well Jim still moved the pieces randomly when he didn’t know what to do. His eyebrows shot up when Spock moved the king and a rook over each other essentially castling the king inside a wall of pawns. Spock must’ve shown him this move before but he may have forgotten it existed. After about half an hour the board was mostly depleted of pieces after a heavy exchange where the majority of them were lost. The board felt empty yet free for his lone knight and bishop, Spock only had the queen remaining. Jim tried to evade the queen but his bishop was soon captured and only his last knight remained standing with his king. The game wrapped up soon after that as Spock won again. Jim challenged him again. 

The first light of dawn filtered through his window after the fifth game and both of them glanced up surprised. Jim’s mind was calm and peaceful, nothing like before as he helped Spock finally pack the board up. Confusion filtered through the serene haze that occupied his mind. Somehow Spock managed to distract him for hours and he didn’t even realise it, but the most startling thing was that he had fun during it. He didn’t know what to think. Jim glanced at Spock as he was ready to leave.   
“Hey, Spock…..” He gently called out and Spock turned to him “Thanks!” he grinned, grateful for staying with him. Spock’s cheeks suddenly turned green as he glanced to the side, tightly clutching the board to his chest.  
“Anytime” Spock mumbled out before hastily leaving the room.

Jim stared at the door confused, before getting up himself and moving to the kitchen. Amanda was already up and moving around gracefully humming a happy tune to herself, she turned around her eyes widened slightly as she took him in, her happy smile stayed on her face  
“You’re up early” she mused. Heat crept up his face as he thought about the morning he spent with Spock  
“Yeah” he chuckled awkwardly and began to make himself some breakfast. Suddenly Spock strode into the room, his head held high as if he didn’t spend all of the night with him, Jim glanced at him from the corner of his eye, he tried to be subtle but their eyes met and Spock’s warm ones didn’t seem to let go. Jim could feel his heartbeat accelerating as he coughed through the spoonful of food he was about to put into his mouth  
“Morning Spock” Amanda called out cheerfully oblivious to the chocking Jim. When he had everything under control and wiped he glanced at Spock again and he caught the small smile of amusement on his face, all the embarrassed apologies died in his throat as he shyly returned the smile. It was just then he caught the tail end of the conversation Spock was having with his mother  
“... he won’t be going to school today” Spock finished. Amanda looked at her son sceptically before sighing   
“Alright. Have a good day” She called out as Spock turned to leave Jim caught the brown eyes roll subtly and he chuckled to himself  
“Mother. It will be just like any other day. It is illogical to wish for something like that” Spock mumbled out the last part voice tinged with sadness, Jim wanted to pull him into a hug to protect him from whoever tried to hurt him instead he held back clutching the counter for support  
“Alright Spock” she chuckled as Spock left the house

The house felt colder as Spock left as if he took all the warmth with him, Jim felt the pang of emptiness and disappointment as he couldn’t be in Spock’s company anymore. His mind began to wander as he absentmindedly picked the remainder of his food, his hunger all but left him dissipated into thin air. Jim glanced around wondering what he’ll do by himself all day the boredom already started to set in and that wasn’t good, his stomach clenched painfully at that though he didn’t want to be alone right now. A hand touched his shoulder and Jim leapt out of his skin he whirled his head around panicked eyes searching for the source, eventually landing on Amanda her eyebrows were knit with concern as Jim lowered his heart rate and breathing “It’s okay she won’t hurt you” he told himself  
“Sorry” Amanda apologised as she quickly retracted her hand “I was just gonna ask if you would like to help me in the garden?” she asked her voice purposefully lowered to not scare him and irritation rose in Jim  
“Yeah” he grumbled “But please don’t do that again” he added with a bit more force than it was necessary. Jim hated being touched suddenly especially from strangers, it always put him on edge, ever since Frank…. He shook his head almost violently not wanting to think about that bastard. Amanda looked shocked for a second, then nodded   
“Alright. How about in an hour?”

Jim returned to his room breakfast forgotten and grabbed the PADD along with the headphones, absentmindedly scrolling through it while bobbing his head to the beat of the music. When he felt like an hour had passed he walked to the living room searching for Amanda. She was sitting in one of the white armchairs reading a PADD, a gentle expression on her face. Her long brown hair was tied up in a messy ponytail and suddenly understood: her ears were round she wasn’t Vulcan. Shame flooded him mixed with his own stupidity that it took this long to for him to realize this fact. Spock’s strange words from before rang in his ears: Spock was different he is treated as an outsider because he isn’t fully Vulcan. Anger suddenly replaced the shame, his blood boiled at the fact that some prick may exclude him from society. He wasn’t different than the rest of the Vulcans. As if sensing Jim’s presence Amanda turned to him the PADD abandoned on the coffee table a soft smile on her face  
“You ready to go?” she asked as Jim nodded dumbly not trusting his outraged mind to say anything good, so he followed her out of the house through a balcony to a greenhouse. 

The greenhouse was warm and it made Jim immediately sweat, unlike the outside where it was dry here the was humid almost suffocatingly so, it reminded Jim of the colony where the air was always so damp that sometimes it was hard to breathe. The interior was filled to the brim with pots and baskets of flowers and vegetables some were even hanging from the ceiling but they never obscured the small winding path that led deeper into the jungle of flowers. Gravel crunched under his feet with every step he took and the leaves rustled gently as Amanda moved them to clear the path, creating a nice rhythm to their footsteps. Colourful flowers bloomed in every corner ranging from tulips to roses even to plants Jim didn’t recognise painting the whole greenhouse in a rainbow of colours. Once they reached a wall of purple flowers Amanda handed him a pair of flower cutters and some gloves, Jim carefully put the gloves on while she explained how to cut back the flowers and they began to cut back plant, Amanda occasionally pointing to branched that had to be cut. They worked in silence for most of it but eventually, Amanda spoke up  
“My son said you got excused from school today” It was so sudden that he almost cut himself, fumbling with the cutter he glanced at her and his stomach clenched somehow knowing where the conversion was headed  
“Uh… Yeah?” he finally managed to say something, though it sounded unsure even to his ears. Amanda stopped cutting and looked at him, Jim focused his gaze to the beautiful purple flowers instead.   
“Vulcan schools don’t do that unless you were very sick. So my son lied to me” she stated and Jim dropped the cutter from his hands in shock, he bent to pick it up with suddenly shaking hands  
“I’m sorry” he blurted out, nervously fidgeting with the cutter. He averted his gaze in shame knowing that Spock lied because of him if he wasn’t here Spock wouldn’t have had to lie to his mother. Amanda sighed and placed a hand on his stopping the fidgeting   
“Why are you here Jim?” she gently asked once her knowing gaze finally landed on his skittish eyes, Jim swallowed as his stomach lurched painfully. He wanted to spill everything right there but he couldn’t speak, paralysed by anxiety. His mind was blank yet running a thousand thoughts a minute at the same time and he couldn’t focus. Why was he here? He asked himself unsure of the answer  
“I….” he couldn’t finish, he didn’t know how “I… don’t know” he finally choked out. Screwing his shut anticipating the inevitable slap or shout to get out of the house that she didn’t want to see his face ever again, but that didn’t happen Amanda whispered  
“I’m going to hug you” before gently hugging him. He tensed for a moment but he slowly relaxed to Amanda’s soft breathing next to his ear and he let himself enjoy it. Her hold wasn’t overly tight like his mother’s nor awkward like a farewell hug from a therapist it was perfect, she was gentle and caring, softly rubbing soothing circles into his back. Once she pulled away he missed the tender warmth of it but he didn’t show it on his face, Amanda looked at him with worry in her eyes.   
“I won’t pry but let me ask you this. Where did you meet my son?”  
“In the desert” Jim answered “I was… lost and he offered me to stay with him for a while” He lowered his gaze “I’m sorry” Amanda raised an eyebrow   
“What for?”   
“I’m sorry, I’m the reason he lied to you. Please don’t be mad at him” he admitted, Amanda softly sighed  
“Oh Jim, that’s not your fault” her gaze shifted as a sudden sadness consumed her “My son is a very kind boy, he tries to help everyone he comes across but sometimes he doesn’t see that others mistreat and use him because of his kindness. And I… I try to protect him from harm as a mother should but I can’t always be there to look after him so that’s why I want to make sure you won’t hurt him” her gaze landed on Jim and shivers ran down his spine from the sheer intensity of it he gulped  
“No!” he cried out desperately “I wouldn’t do that” A pang of jealousy resonated in his heart, Amanda was a good mother something he never had.   
“Good” Amanda smiled and Jim sniffed as they returned to finish the work on the flowers.

After a while, Jim stopped working and glanced at Amanda who was gently humming a soothing tune with a happy smile on her face, her hair flowed gracefully out of her ponytail. Jim once again debated with himself if he should tell her. He wanted to tell someone to get it off his chest but the anxiety still prickled at the edges of his consciousness filling his mind with doubts and fears. Would she get mad? What if she tells him to go back? He sighed prepping himself despite the nervous buzzing and called out  
“Hey” he shakily mumbled and Amanda’s gaze left the flowers and focused on him “About… what you asked me earlier?” he let his gaze wander the garden not daring to look her in the eye, he sensed her shifting her subtle movements displayed interest. “W-Well I….” Jim paused, he still couldn’t say it frustrated with himself he groaned loudly “Goddamit!” he cried out filing his arms out in anger. Why can’t he say it? He said it earlier to Spock and that was fine! What’s wrong with him? Amanda gently placed a hand on his shoulder calming his mind, her brown gaze found his  
“It’s okay. Take your time” She whispered reassuringly Jim took another shaky gulp of air  
“I uh… ran away” he rushed out in one breath. Amanda’s eyebrow shot up and her eyes widened in surprise but she didn’t let go of him. Jim prepared himself for the inevitable question he could see it in her eyes as they searched his  
“Why?” she finally asked and there it was the age-old question, the one he still couldn’t answer.   
“I uh… didn’t want to be there anymore” he said slightly cringing at his own words as those brown eyes bore into his  
“That’s a lie Jim” she called out, Jim flinched he wanted to be there but they didn’t want him there. It was easier to tell himself that than accept that fact. Jim sighed  
“Well it’s partially true” he chuckled “And I just knew they didn’t want me around anymore” he quietly finished. He could see the heartbreak on her face even though she tried to hide it, it was all her eyes reflected back at him  
“Who?” she eventually asked, he shrugged somehow feeling numb to the whole thing as if he was outsider telling the story. The loneliness of it ate its way through him leaving behind nothing but a hollowed-out shell of a boy  
“My mum, my brother, the townspeople. Everyone, I guess…” he admitted with a weak shrug. If there was a way to pour more sadness into a single stare Amanda would’ve done it, Jim could suddenly see the pity in those brown eyes and irrational anger flared in him “Don’t do that” he called out quietly but Amanda ignored him and moved to hug him  
“Oh Jim” He pushed her away with a sudden strength and glared at her startled face. The numbness had morphed into explosive anger.  
“I don’t want your pity!” he shouted louder than he meant to   
“Jim, I’m not pitying you” she gently said  
“Really?” an empty laugh escaped him “I know pity when I see it” he sneered. At the back of his mind, he wondered where all of this sudden anger came from, it just exploded from the hidden depths of his mind overpowering anything and anyone that was cough in its blast.   
“Is that what you think is on my face? Pity?” she asked her voice annoyingly still   
“Everone wears that face!” his voice had quieted down. The remnants of the explosion simmering under the surface, the shrapnel painfully wedged into his chest filling it with heavy pain and self-doubt.   
“My classmates. My therapist. People I used to know. My mother. And now you. It’s always the same. I don’t fucking want it!” his voice was filled with quiet rage barely contained. Suddenly exhaustion set in as if the anger drained everything away from him, he was so tired of it all. He sighed defeated   
“Jim-” Amanda began but he sharply turned away and sprinted out of the greenhouse. 

Amanda found him sulking in his room, head buried in his knees headphones blaring loud music into his ears, oblivious to the rest of the universe. He immediately regretted opening his mouth earlier the weight of it was eating him alive, he let it for once too tired to fight the uphill battle. Jim felt her sit on the bed the mattress shifting under her yet he didn’t lift his head. She sat there quiet and unmoving and Jim could bitterly imagine the face she was making, he could sense it rolling over her like tidal waves crashing into him again and again. It made his skin prickle with the tension of it. Amanda sighed and Jim tilted his head just enough to get a peek at her, she was hunched over, her hair loosely falling off her shoulders and a soft scarf hung from her neck  
“You know Jim? Have you ever wondered why you received those looks?” she asked quietly and he froze as if he’d been shot  
“Because I’m a fuckup” he mumbled barely audible to her.   
“No, it was they care about you” her voice was gentle and patient, he snapped up at that his eyes narrowed in suspicion   
“They really don’t” he chuckled, the whole thought was unbelievable, Amanda’s brown eyes remained steady entirely focused on his face  
“Why do you think that?” she questioned “Your mother surely cared about you” she tried but as a roar of laughter escaped Jim her face shifted  
“Now that’s funny! She cared enough to leave me and my brother with an abusive prick! While she was out in space doing god knows what! When that didn’t work out she fucking sent me to a colony on the other side of the Federation!” he stopped himself before he said too much “Yeah she cared a whole lot about us” Jim finished bitterly and Amanda’s face fell as she realized she made a mistake Why was he spilling his darkest secrets to her? Why was it so easy? Before he could go into another spiral of self-doubt Amanda placed a hand on his knee. She smiled gently at him and it crashed the spiral into a halt. He stared at her astonished  
“It’s alright Jim” she finally whispered, he felt the tears threatening to escape him   
“It’s alright to feel this way,” she said her voice soft and caring, a choked sob escaped him  
“B-but it’s not!” he sobbed tears freely falling now “I-I am a fuckup! I lash out at people I shouldn’t and cower in fear of others. People get hurt because of me. I’m a useless coward who can’t even….” he mumbled interrupted by violent sobs   
“It’s alright Jim. Let it out” Amanda hugged him and he tensed for a moment but as she tightened her hold he relaxed a bit sobbing into her shoulder while she whispered sweet nothings into his ears comforting him. Once Jim’s sobs quieted down he lifted his head from Amanda’s shoulder and glanced to his side  
“I’m sorry,” he said  
“What for?” she asked with a curious tilt to her head. Jim stayed quiet only their breathing audible between them. His stomach was throwing fits as he picked at his shirt  
“Nothing” he eventually lied “Everything” the thought didn’t make it past his mouth and stayed firmly locked inside his mind. Amanda squinted at him before she stood and glanced at him.   
“You know Jim? Why don’t you help me with something” She smiled as if the previous two hours hadn’t happened, Jim realized what she was doing and humoured her  
“Sure” he shrugged, the heaviness leaving him slowly  
“I have to prepare dinner so could you go to the market and get some vegetables for me?” Jim tensed slightly at that but he nodded anyway and got up to change out of his dirty shirt, a hand suddenly grabbed his  
“Is that vomit on your shirt?” she asked concerned and Jim paled. He completely forgot he threw his guts out after he sprinted back from the garden  
“No” he lied again and pleaded in his head for Amanda to not to ask any more questions. She raised an eyebrow but let him go.

The city felt more like a village with sandstone houses that blended into the desert. There were few trees to cast shade, red dust covered everything in sight he felt it crunch beneath his footsteps. The air was quiet around him even though several people moved past him, no one talked they just moved on with their lives. The market was busier than the streets filled with stands of vegetables, fruits and clothes, though the merchants weren’t as lively as he was used to. Jim felt knots in his stomach as he approached the crowd of Vulcans walking to and from stands. He gulped down his nervousness to the pit of his belly and marched to one of the vegetable stands his false bravado faded a little when he glanced at all the vegetables unsure which one Amanda wanted. After staring at them for a minute he forced the bile down his throat.  
“E-Excuse me” he mumbled the merchant turned to him, his cold blue eyes made Jim jump “Um… do you have these?” he fumbled with the list Amanda gave him, his shaking hand making it more difficult, he gave it to the merchant who looked over the list with a critical eye then pointed to the vegetables in question. He bought them in a hurry still shaking from the anxiety and practically bolted through the crowd of Vulcans. Despite his racing heart and shaking hands, he took pride in that he managed to talk to the merchant without panicking, maybe he was improving. Slowly his hands stopped shaking, as a small satisfied smile crossed his face and he began to make his way back to the house. Suddenly he noticed a group of young Vulcans in an alley and the smile immediately fell from his face. There were four of them, three hovering over the 4th one, who was pinned to the wall by their leader. The one at the wall had his eyes screwed shut probably from the pain as one of the bullies punched him in the gut. Jim was ready to turn away and mind his own business however much he didn’t want to but the boy’s eyes suddenly snapped open and found his and Jim froze because those were Spock’s brown eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Eating Disorder, Anxiety and Depression nothing too graphic


End file.
